Prepare for Repair

Deconstruct a triggering incident below. Then click the 'Make Repair Statment' button at the bottom. This will script what to say to your partner to repair this incident.

THE TRIGGER. Briefly describe what triggered you. Focus on what happened just before you got upset. Name objective actions or specific words of your partner. No interpretations or judgments. Do this by completing the following sentence:

"When you ..." (type in the box below what your partner said or did) "... I got triggered."

Next, choose the best option for each question below using the pull-down menus. (Choices appear at bottom of iOS device screens.)

MENTAL STORY. What thoughts came up in your head about the meaning of this event? What most closely resembles the story your brain told you?

(pick - mental story) I am way down on your list I always come last my feelings don't really matter I'm not sure I matter it's like I'm invisible I'm all alone it's just not fair nothing I do is ever enough I can never get it right I get that I am flawed somehow I feel like a failure as a mate it all seems so hopeless I don't want to rock the boat I need to hide in my shell

YOUR REACTION. How did you react in terms of your own behavior? Did you get critical or try to change your partner? Did you shut down, withdraw or distance? What was your reactive behavior?

(pick - reactive behavior) pursue prod pressure provoke question complain criticize judge yell blow up blame preach defend myself correct you debate ridicule make a joke of it get sarcastic withdraw ignore avoid distance hide out space out shut down use logic rationalize make excuses try to 'fix' it placate

REACTIVE FEELING. What reactive feeling came up in you? Pick the closest one:

(pick - reactive feeling) annoyed irritated frustrated angry resentful infuriated enraged anxious nervous panicked alarmed fearful hopeless confused stuck blank empty numb paralyzed shame resigned

CORE FEELING. Under that reactive feeling, what softer feeling came up in your heart?

(pick - core feeling) sad hurt disappointed pained grief-stricken lonely

CORE FEAR. What deeper fear got stirred up in you? Perhaps, underneath your reaction, you were really just afraid of being...

(pick - fear) abandoned all alone not needed insignificant unimportant invisible rejected flawed not good enough not respected inadequate a failure unlovable unequal controlled trapped suffocated taken over out of control weak

CORE NEED. What deeper emotional need arose in you? Pick the core need you most would have needed to feel, in order to feel secure:

(pick - core need) that I am important to you that I matter to you that my feelings matter to you connected to you needed by you accepted by you good enough for you valued by you appreciated by you understood by you respected by you trusted by you that everything is fair that we are equals that I can depend on you

PAST SENSITIVITY (optional item). Link this trigger with a sensitivity you got in childhood or an earlier relationship. This will help your partner better understand and empathize with you. Think back into your past and complete the following:

"This triggered an old sensitivity from my past... " (type in the box below what past event or events contributed to your having this sensitivity)

YOUR REQUEST (optional item). Make a brief, clear and objective behavioral request for the future. This is a request, not a demand. Complete the following:

"I have a request. Are you willing to do this in the future? Will you please ..." (type your specific request in the box below)

Finally, choose the type of statement you want and click the button below.