How Is Our Approach Different?

The help you get from us is significantly different than what typical marriage counseling or couples therapy can provide.

An obvious difference is that we conduct an intensive retreat program rather than weekly hour-long sessions.

But the most significant difference is our approach to how we help couples. Developed over thirty-five years, our program is uniquely different — different from couples therapy — even different from what other intensive retreat programs offer.

A Dedicated Timespan for Transformation — Thirty-five years ago John saw the value of an intensive focus for couples to successfully heal, reconnect, and rebuild trust. Frustrated by how weekly sessions failed to deliver this, he created a retreat format that could transform troubled relationships in a matter of days.
Get Tools and Coaching, Not Just Talk — Even more important than the intensive format, our key difference is the nature of the work we do to help couples — that’s the true foundation of what empowers couples to make substantial changes. We have developed a robust, tool-based approach that enables partners to achieve deep healing, productive communication, and positive results.

In our retreats, you will learn practical, effective tools to communicate better and heal the rifts in your relationship.

And with our coaching, you will use these tools to emotionally repair ruptures, to collaborate instead of struggling in conflict, and to put your partnership onto a solid foundation to enjoy a positive connection.

Grounded in Scientific Findings, Not Opinions — The tools you will acquire draw from groundbreaking scientific studies that identify what is needed to have a secure, healthy, and fulfilling marriage. Unlike opinion-driven methods, our approach is firmly grounded in evidence.

The scientific basis for our approach is slowly gaining recognition in educational institutions that teach therapists. But it remains rare to find a therapist with the years of post-graduate training needed to effectively use this information to help couples.

The Science of Love and Happiness

John’s 55 years in the field of psychology started as a research psychologist at UCLA, then went on to Stanford for a Ph.D. in psychology where he co-founded one of Stanford’s most successful research centers (generating a major income stream from technology it developed). John’s work has always been pragmatic — valuing real-world results over talk, opinions, or theory. When he went into private practice, helping couples and training therapists, his approach remained results-driven and informed by scientific evidence.

Putting Together Two Relevant Scientific Domains — Our work integrates two scientific domains that reveal the root causes of satisfaction vs dissatisfaction in a long-term relationship: neuroscience and attachment theory. We also draw from current evidence-based, scientifically validated clinical models.

Thousands of studies in the fields of neuroscience and attachment research reveal critical factors for nurturing a joyful, mutually satisfying, and intimate partnership.

Informed by Neuroscience — The field of neuroscience provides vital insights into the functioning of the brain and nervous system. Of particular significance is how the primitive part of our brain, geared toward survival, can override our higher cognitive and relational functions. Unconsciously, such triggering and hijacking can take couples into states of fight, flight, or freeze, leading to escalations of anger or withdrawal. These reactions block productive, loving communication and will worsen over time, eroding a couple’s ability to share happiness together.

Drawing from Attachment Theory — The field of attachment theory studies how couples form emotional bonds and what creates a solid connection. It specifies what fosters security and positivity vs insecurity and dissatisfaction. It identifies pivotal factors and behaviors that underpin healthy emotional connections. In such connections, partners share a profound sense of security, well-being, mutual affection, love, and joy. Each person feels understood, accepted, and has their needs met.

Evidence-Based Clinical Models — We are well-versed in current treatment models that incorporate neuroscience and attachment. Our expertise includes Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) by Sue Johnson, Somatic Experiencing (SE) by Peter Levine, the Neuro-Affective Relational Model (NARM) by Larry Heller. John is also a recognized expert in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) of Stan Tatkin. PACT is widely rated to be superior in effectiveness for helping couples in distress.

“John’s work is of help to anyone wishing to repair an ailing relationship. With decades of experience behind him, he is a highly intelligent, creative force in the field of science and relationships. His work is inventive and inspiring.” — Stan Tatkin, Wired for Love

John played a founding role as a core faculty member at the PACT Institute, actively contributing to curriculum development and training couples therapists and marriage counselors to effectively help their clients to build secure-functioning relationships.

Tools to Be a Strong Couple

Couples in trouble need new, effective communication tools that get positive results. That is what our tool-based approach provides: an extensive body of practical tools that empower you to overcome reactive cycles, resolve emotional blocks, repair ruptures, manage triggers, rekindle positive connection, and restore trust and hope.

We are dedicated to giving you the right tools to overcome patterns that keep you stuck in negative feelings. You will learn to successfully resolve issues as a team and to communicate in ways that keep you feeling connected and appreciated.

In the terminology of attachment science, this is called secure functioning. But you don’t have to have a scientific background to benefit from the practical tools you get to turn an insecure, reactive pattern of relating into a secure, happy connection.

Our approach fosters the power couples can have to help each other heal and grow. We take the stance that partners can rewire each other’s brains in a positive way — with the right tools and understandings. Sadly, this is a view largely missing in traditional couples therapy approaches.

From our viewpoint, a couple is not merely a pair individuals. We see a couple as a “system-of-two” with unique powers to rewire each other’s emotional attachment brains. Coaching partners how to utilize these potential powers is our speciality.

Healing Your Relationship

Why are our retreats so successful in helping couples turn things around? Partners get the tools they need to overcome reactive cycles, to heal and repair ruptures, to find win-win solutions to issues, and to reconnect and operate together as a team.

While many therapists act as if it’s their job to solve a couple’s issues, we give practical tools to solve your own issues — yourselves!

Instead of trying to feed you a fish, we show you how to fish. Fundamentally, our model for working with a couple is radically different.

We view the couple as a powerful self-healing system (in potential). And we see our job as giving partners the tools to tap into this healing potential and using it to mend ruptures, to overcome triggering, and to put their relationship on a solid foundation.

Our tool-based approach — and the specific practical and effective tools that we coach you to use — differentiates us from most traditional couples therapy and even from a majority of intensive retreat programs.

We will teach you the tools and coach you to use them to achieve your own best solutions. In the process, we will help you heal what needs to be healed, overcome negative communication patterns, and collaborate well as a couple.

Read details about John’s background, training and approach →
See articles by John on the keys to maximizing shared happiness →

Next Steps for a Retreat