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Listen to the audio description while you read this page about Type 4 — The Romantic:
more about the romantic
The Romantic is an idealist who longs for a special sense of connection in the world. They are often disappointed by life. They feel something important is missing. They tend to be dissatisfied or angry with ordinary, daily life. They yearn for that special something believed to be ultimately fulfilling.
Relationships are concerned with a search for the special and unique. Romantics suffer from a ‘grass is always greener’ syndrome. They are attracted by distance and non-availability. But once things settle down, they get bored or start to see what is missing or not good enough in the other person. Hence, they have trouble committing. Lasting happiness is elusive.
A Romantic perennially longs for a depth and intensity of emotional connection. Yet it always seems missing, and their partner fails to match their idealized yearnings. They feel special, different, but at times they also feel like a misfit. They seem to generate dramatic crises, easily feeling rejected, abandoned, jealous, or envious.
They can become subject to having huge emotional swings. People have difficulty coping with their intense drama. Others can also feel rejected, as being seen as not good enough.
Personal growth for a Romantic is to see what is positive in life in the moment, rather than seeing what is missing. Learn to enjoy being in the ‘here and now.’ Find things to appreciate in ordinary everyday experiences. Growth occurs as a Romantic maintains a consistent course of action, despite intense mood swings. They need to slow down and delay their emotional reactions. Additionally, helping others is good for a Romantic, offering a way to become less self-absorbed.
Lost essential quality: An experience of the original deep and complete connection to everything.
Compensating belief: Something vitally important is missing and must be regained to relieve the painful feeling of deficiency and loss of connection.
Attention/coping strategy: Searching for the ideal love or circumstances that will make you feel loved, whole and complete again. Putting attention on intense feelings concerning that which you view as important and missing.
Trap: Trying to obtain the special, ultimate love or situation that will make you complete.
Driving energy: Envy and longing, fueling the search for whatever seems necessary to make life fulfilling.
Avoidance: Being ordinary, deficient, lacking.
Strengths: Creative disposition, passion, empathy, emotional depth.
Paradox: Wanting what is missing perpetuates dissatisfaction with what is present.
Path of development:
- Focus on what is positive in the present
- Be consistent in action despite fluctuating and intense feelings
- Recognize that feelings are not the only reality
- Appreciate the ordinary
Ultimate task: Reclaiming wholeness in the present moment by appreciating what is here and now, and accepting yourself as you are without needing to be special and unique.
The basic proposition:
You lost sight of the original state of a deep and complete connection to all others and all things, and came to believe instead that the world abandons you and that something important is missing. So you focus on searching for an ideal love or perfect circumstance to make you feel loved, whole and complete again. In this search for the most unique, special and fulfilling, you feel envy and a longing for what you idealize but is unavailable. Your attention naturally goes to what is missing.
The central issue for healing:
Ironically, an outward search for the ultimate, ideal, deep heart connection, and complete fulfillment where nothing of substance is missing, serves only to perpetuate a Four’s dilemma. All your well-intentioned searching in the wrong place only creates more intense feelings of deficiency and longing.
A Romantic’s primary task, therefore, is to realize that wholeness and completeness come with acceptance and appreciation of what is here now, in the present moment — from the inside out, not from the outside in. Disappointments and deficiencies are part of the fabric of life, not an indication of deficiency of being.
Six healing and growth commitments for Romantics:
- Accept that wholeness and realness exist now in the present moment
- Practice self-appreciation based on what is present and not what is absent, on what is rather than what isn’t
- Resist domination by strong and fluctuating feelings while acknowledging their authenticity
- Sustain a steady course of action even in the presence of intense feelings
- Appreciate the ordinary instead of deeming it as boring
- Disconnect your self-esteem from the need to be special or extraordinary
If the above personality type seems to fit you, we recommend you print out this page for easy reference. We also highly recommend that you listen to the audio description at the top of this page.