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Listen to the audio description while you read this page about Type 1 — The Perfectionist:
more about the perfectionist
The Perfectionist is concerned with being good, correcting error, doing what one should, and getting things right.
They have an active inner voice that guides them to do the right thing. But this inner voice is critical and overbearing, and it tends to produce inner tension, guilt, and worry. In its wake, pleasure gets dampened. Personal needs are not recognized or voiced. A sense of deprivation can result.
The focus on what is ‘good’ and ‘right’ gets put out into relationships. The strong sense of ‘it should be this way’ voiced by the Perfectionist — in the interest of what seems right — makes it look like there’s only one way of doing things, their way.
The other person generally does not like this, and may end up feeling like they are walking on egg-shells. In their ‘rightness’ the Perfectionist seems to be superior, while the other person feels picked apart, rejected, hurt, inferior.
There is a tendency to be overly black and white about things. This creates stress and a sense of trying to be in control. It also reduces happiness. People in relationship with a Perfectionist often wish things could just be more relaxed and easy. They yearn for a more flexible approach to things.
Personal growth for a Perfectionist is to internally ask the question: ‘Would I rather be right — or happy?’ It will help to see and question what seem to be rigid rules. Learn to accept mistakes. Recognize that there are different ways of doing things besides the one ‘right’ way. Two great virtues for a Perfectionist to develop are patience and compassion. True serenity is gained by accepting things as they are, even what appear to be ‘imperfections.’
Lost essential quality: An experience of the essential truth that all people are fundamentally one with each other and everything is perfect as it is.
Compensating belief: Because the world judges and punishes ‘bad’ behavior, you must gain worthiness and love by being as good and perfect as possible.
Attention/coping strategy: Comparing self to others. Noticing error and correcting it. Suppressing anger and impulses. Being as responsible and right as you can be.
Trap: Endlessly trying to gain worthiness by being correct.
Driving energy: Anger, resentment and guilt at whatever appears wrong or doesn’t meet high standards.
Avoidance: Making mistakes, losing self-control, being so wrong that you are unworthy.
Strengths: High integrity, concern for improvement, industrious, responsible.
Paradox: Although it seems like there is one right, best way to be, there are multiple right answers; what is right is not necessarily what is best.
Path of development:
- Understand that correctness and rightness are not part of natural order
- Compassion for the self
- Recognize and minimize the internal critical voice
- Allow time to relax, play and accept yourself as you are
Ultimate task: Reclaiming the sense of perfection in all things and everyone, which includes accepting differences, mistakes, natural desires and the dark side.
The basic proposition:
You lost sight of the fundamental principle that we are all one and are perfect as we are. What you came to believe instead is that people are not accepted for who they are, and that the world judges and punishes bad behavior. You learned to gain worthiness and love by being good, correcting errors and meeting the requirements of your critical mind. You often suppressed your personal needs and desires, and at the same time, developed resentments and suppressed anger or guilt over your impulses, bad behavior and what is judged as wrong. Your attention naturally goes to what is wrong and what needs correcting or improvement.
The central issue for healing:
To experience healing and personal growth, a Perfectionist needs to become less dominated by the dictates of the critical mind and, in time, regain a sense of being an undivided whole. This means understanding and appreciating that whatever you frequently judge as ‘wrong’ is actually just ‘different’ because it deviates from your imagined ideal. Perfectionists need to learn to observe the critical mind and detach self-worth from it. The difficulty doesn’t come from having high standards or too many standards, but from the power of the relentless inner critic in determining self-worth and dictating life.
Six healing and growth commitments for Perfectionists:
- Practice releasing the domination of the critical mind
- Appreciate errors, mistakes and imperfection as differences
- Observe the constant monitoring for comparison purposes (good/bad, perfect/imperfect)
- Welcome anger and guilt as signaling ‘unacceptable’ behavior (often what is forbidden)
- Practice acceptance and forgiveness (not just improvement)
- Integrate instinct and desire
If the above personality type seems to fit you, we recommend you print out this page for easy reference. We also highly recommend that you listen to the audio description at the top of this page.