Read the following Repair Statement to your partner, exactly as written. Do not improvise. Speak slowly. Say one phrase at a time. Look up and say each phrase into your partner's eyes.
(Note: Partner's Response Script appears below this section.)
I'd like to repair something with you. Is this a good time?
(Wait for your partner to say yes)
When you I got triggered.
A story came up in my mind that "."
I reacted by feeling and then started to .
But deep down inside I just felt .
A fear came up in me that I was .
What I needed more than anything was to feel .
(Wait a moment, then ask)
What did you hear me say?
Here is a partner's Response Script for how to respond to the Repair Statement above.
There are three steps in responding: Repeat. Apologize. Reassure.
Doing these sincerely provides empathy and helps to emotionally heal the painful feelings that got triggered.
(Always speak slowly and look into your partner's eyes.)
1. REPEAT. Repeat back whatever you can remember hearing your partner say. Then ask:
"Did I miss anything?"
If you forgot anything, just repeat what your partner tells you. Keep asking what you missed until your partner seems satisfied you understand what they said.
2. APOLOGIZE. Slowly say just the following sentence, sincerely, into your partner's eyes:
"I’m so sorry I hurt you."
Don't add anything. Repeat 3 times, pausing 30 seconds between each rep.
Closely track your partner's facial responses during these pauses.
3. REASSURE. Say one simple sentence that reassures your partner's core need and takes away the fear.
As before, say just the one sentence, then wait, watch, and repeat 3 times.