Read the following statement to your partner, exactly as written. Do not improvise. Speak slowly. Say one phrase at a time. Look up and say each phrase into your partner's eyes.
(Note: The Response Script appears below this section.)
I'd like to repair something with you. Is this a good time?
(Wait for your partner to say yes)
When you , I got triggered.
A story came up in my mind that "."
I reacted by feeling and then started to .
But deep down inside I just felt .
A fear came up in me that I was .
What I needed more than anything was to feel .
(This section is optional)
I'm sorry I reacted that way and I'd like to take it back.
If I could do it over, I'd tell you I was feeling .
I would have admitted I felt afraid of being .
And I would have asked for reassurance so that I could feel .
(Wait a moment, then ask)
What did you hear me say?
Below is how to respond to a Repair Statement. There are 3 steps: repeat, apologize, reassure. Doing these shows empathy. This helps to emotionally repair the upset feelings that got triggered.
(Always speak slowly and look into your partner's eyes.)
1. REPEAT. Repeat back what you remember. Focus on the core feeling, fear, and need. Then ask:
"Is there anything I got wrong or left out?"
If you forgot anything, just repeat what your partner tells you.
2. APOLOGIZE. Slowly say just the following sentence, sincerely, into your partner's eyes:
"I’m so sorry I hurt you."
Don't add anything. Repeat it 3 times, but pause 30 seconds between each rep.
Closely track your partner's facial responses during these pauses.
3. REASSURE. Say one simple sentence that reassures your partner's core need and takes away the fear.
As before, say just the one sentence, then wait, watch, and repeat 3 times.