A detective uses clues to solve a mystery. In relationships, many of our actions and reactions can be seen as clues. They point to the mystery of what’s going on beneath the surface – within us. They are pieces to the puzzle of what is really in our hearts. The card CLUES invites you to take a deeper look at the actions, thoughts, or reactions that affect your relationship. If you look below their surface, you may find deeper feelings, needs, or wants – important things in your heart that you are not really expressing to your partner.
Healthy relating involves knowing – and saying – what you truly feel, need, or want. If you don’t do this, you multiply problems and never deal with the real issues. Simply put, you won’t get your real needs met in your relationship until you recognize them – and constructively voice what they are.
This card asks you to develop your skills as a detective. Be alert for the clues that can help you solve the puzzle of what’s really going on inside of you – and inside your partner. Clues come in a variety of forms: frustrations, irritations, anger, fights, escape fantasies, withdrawal, hurt feelings, judgments, complaints, criticism. All of these reactions are big clues. Each points to something that your heart needs but is not getting at that moment.
Consider the last time you criticized a partner or reacted to them negatively. This card challenges you to uncover the positive message within any negative reaction you are having. Find the positive thing, deep in your heart, that you truly want or need in that situation.
Often the message is that you need something rather basic, like acceptance, appreciation, respect, trust, understanding, caring, or connecting. But this can be very hard to recognize or state to your partner. Even though we all share such basic human needs, we may feel shy about admitting we have them. Nonetheless, directly revealing a true want or need is the healthiest, clearest way to go about getting it met!
The card CLUES encourages you to act with gentleness and courage. Learn to pursue clues in yourself by getting in touch with the deeper desires of your heart. In troubling moments, during difficult times, or whenever you start to react, stop for a while, and breathe deeply. Quietly contact your heart and ask, “What basic human need am I experiencing? What do I really want? What is my deeper, positive intention here?”
Wait for an answer – one that voices a clear and positive message. Then communicate about this with your partner in a respectful, constructive way. Also ask your partner, “What do you truly want or need at this moment?” Allow them to find, and voice, their own answer to that question.
You may be pleasantly surprised if you earnestly – and compassionately – pursue such clues. You may discover pieces to the puzzle of relating that have long eluded you. Instead of losing yourself in fruitless reactions, you can come to know the deeper yearnings of your heart. By respectfully sharing these depths with your partner – in a positive way that they can hear and respond to – you will open new doors. Moving through these doors, you can find the fulfilling, satisfying relationship that you truly want – and deserve – to share!
By John Grey, PhD