-- Question for John --
I think my problem has to do with my childhood. My parents were alcoholics so us six kids raised ourselves pretty much! So from the get go I felt abandoned and as I started dating I mistrusted anyone and everyone. I was let down as a child and I expected that with everyone. Will my mistrust in love ever go away? What I do is this. Before someone hurts me I will leave the other person. And I think in the long run I hurt myself.
I have been married three times. I have three wonderful children all from my last marriage. They live with their father because I was honest to them and myself — that I was never taught how to be a mother because I never had one to teach me! Please don’t get me wrong. I love my children more than life itself. But they are better off with their father. And let me tell you that was the hardest decision I have ever made.
I don’t get along with women. Women don’t like me. Plus I have been stabbed in the back to many times from women. So I have one female friend and the rest of my friends are male.
So I guess my question is this. Will the mistrust ever go away so I can see my way through all the bull so I can find the LOVE of my LIFE? Or am I going to be alone the rest of my life?
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-- Answer from John --
You appear to know your old patterns pretty well. I hope you know that practically everyone has issues with trust. And everyone has some kinds of emotional wounds from the past that hold them back today. You are not alone in that. The question is, what are you going to do about it? If your trust issues, patterns and old wounds are clearly keeping you from moving forward, then you might want to look at your options for doing inner healing work.
Many people hope that their patterns (like mistrust, feeling abandoned, whatever) will just go away by themselves. Or they hope that by meeting that special love of their life, these patterns will go away because they are with the “right” person. And then, when the patterns come back (after the honeymoon) they no longer feel they are with the right person, split up, and … well, I’m sure you understand what I’m saying.
We have not found this to be true. The patterns don’t just go away. Meeting the right person doesn’t make them go away either. In fact, the only thing that seems to make a difference is when the person themself (in this case, you) chooses to actively pursue self-healing.
How do you do this? We all need some outside help to get moving in that direction. Books, workshops, counseling, whatever you are willing to commit to, in order to heal the inner wounds that are the real root of your suffering. There is no one way to do it, and any one thing does not work for all people.
If you had a painful problem with your back that kept you from enjoying a lot of life, you would probably go see some kind of professional, sooner or later… maybe an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, a physical therapist, a massage therapist, an energy worker, maybe even a doctor… If it didn’t just go away by itself, sooner or later you would try to get help.
If you had a major problem with your car, and it wasn’t running… you wouldn’t just wait for it to get better… sooner or later you would try to get some help, whether that was going to a mechanic… or getting a book that taught you how to fix your car.
Same with your inner wounds, mistrust and other issues that keep you from finding and creating the love you truly want.
You are the one who needs to take the first step. You can take action, and you can move towards the healing you want. You are the one who needs to be involved in that. I encourage you to stop waiting and commit yourself to… you and your own healing.
Just in making the shift to that commitment and taking action of any kind, you are moving toward that healing. The stronger your action (going to a counselor is stronger than buying a book) the more result you will see. Stay committed to the path of your self-healing (whether you stay with one particular counselor or not, or stay with one particular author or approach… that isn’t as important as continuing your commitment to yourself to keep going for it).
Then all good things will come to you in their right time.