-- Question for John --
I’m 24 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. When we met we melted into each others arms and haven’t lost touch with each others’ love until a month ago. He made a mistake and I took time apart but eventually forgave. Now I just don’t have that feeling anymore. The feeling of being in love is gone. Every now and then I catch a spark but it never stays. How can I turn that spark into a flame again?
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-- Answer from John --
The first thing I wonder is if emotional residue from the “mistake” is blocking the flame. If you forgave, maybe there is now truly zero energy around that past “mistake” — or maybe there is still some kind of energy around it that you have not yet healed and totally released.
Some people forgive too quickly, and do not process and fully release all the feelings that come up, which naturally include anger, hurt, fear, etc. It is important that you have experienced those feelings — and expressed them to completion with your boyfriend — and actually had a felt sense of moving to a new level of growth and maturity with him — and hopefully had the feeling he grew too.
Otherwise, if you have not had that kind of experience, it would make perfect sense that you might still be holding some emotional residue that needs to be processed and that would keep you from having full access to your flame for him.
Also, know that the honeymoon period of a relationship is rather extraordinary — and that once there are problems it is no longer just a “gift” to receive, but a place that requires you to become ever more authentic and show up in the face of the challenges — and move through them completely to the point of being clear.
So as you look at the mistake and the energy around it and the events since — is it your feeling that you have moved through it completely — or that maybe you went to forgiveness and bypassed some stuff that might still be hovering around?
I’d recommend you clear it up with him this way. Tell him something like this:
“I need to say some things that have been blocking me from feeling the kind of love I want to feel with you. I need you to just listen. I do not want you to defend yourself or try to change what I feel. I want you to just show up and really be present for me. My goal here is to move through some stuck emotions that block me from feeling more passionate and loving toward you. If you really want to make our relationship work you will support me to just feel whatever I feel — and make it very safe for me to just let these feelings out. I know that might be hard and I know it can take courage to do it. And I know you have that kind of courage. And this is hard for me to do, too. So I will appreciate it very much if you can just listen to me. Are you willing to do that?”
It is my experience that sometimes a single deeply intimate connection like you had is all it takes to lift the clouds entirely and let the sun shine through again. At other times, things recycle a bit and may need re-airing again until they are complete. It certainly sounds like you went through everything in one sitting, and that’s my impression. But either way, even if there might be more… you have nothing to fear…
Now you absolutely know the power of authentically revealing your deeper feelings… and you are both in a position to grow from this. He should come to realize that it was a good thing to move through this, and he can grow too, in not having to get as defensive in the future…
At any rate, I encourage you both to continue to explore this quality of deepening that actually strengthens your love.