-- Question for John --
I’m going through a very difficult time. I’ve been involved with a woman for three years and we’ve just separated. She left me in limbo. She told me about a career opportunity outside the country and asked, “You won’t stop me will you?” I was encouraging and supportive. But I also said if we’re going to be apart, we had to assess where we were heading as a couple right? She replied she didn’t know!
Then she said the offer was not final yet and we didn’t have to further discuss the matter. I got emotional and told her to call me when she “knew” what she really wanted from me. We’ve been in touch once since then. She sees things very rationally and told me this “break” is going to put things into perspective.
I’m more of a drama queen than she is and am finding it extremely difficult to deal with. I’ve gone through a wide range of emotions in the past two weeks. This relationship has been the most fulfilling experience of my life, and have but fond memories of this woman… but the waiting game is ruining me! Do I let go? and how?
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-- Answer from John --
I would use all the emotional pain of this situation to inspire you to go to a new level with yourself — regarding mastery of your inner emotional realm. There are certain predictable traps for the personality type you suggest you have (drama queen, romantic, idealist) and these are probably more important for you to work with under these circumstances than to figure out what to do about her. Because, in truth, if I told you to let go of her you wouldn’t have a clue how to do it.
And if I told you just to wait and be patient, you similarly would not be able to do that without going nuts. So I really suggest you put all this energy to positive use and do what it truly in your own best interest at the moment — I’d advise getting some counseling, especially with someone who knows the habits of the drama queen and can help you get a better handle on your own process. One prediction is that in this separation, the image you have within you of her may be idealized.
This is a very typical aspect of the romantic, idealistic mindset. This will fuel further grief and sense of separation and make being alone especially painful. Rather than try to let go and be frustrated if you cannot — rather than wait for something and go crazy with having that outer focus, that she will be the relief for your suffering — I would suggest you use this time well and dig into the possibility of transforming your own patterns.