-- Question for John --
I recently married a wonderful man. I have two problems that are really interfering in my marriage. Jealousy and anger. I cringe every time he mentions a female’s name and the thing is I trust him entirely but I don’t trust the women. I was engaged to a different man many years ago and he cheated on me so unfortunately I have brought that into this relationship.
I am trying to get over it but it is so hard. It is not fair and I want to get over it so bad. Now as for the anger. He and I can get into an argument over any single or trivial thing and I turn into psycho woman as he calls me. I don’t know what causes me to get so angry.
I get so angry that I start hitting and pushing on him and calling him names. After I calm down I feel so bad and wonder how did I get so out of control? I really want to stop. Would talking to someone help? That is what I am considering. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and offering your help.
-- Answer from John --
Anger and jealousy are clearly two emotions that, if you let them stay on a reactive level, can definitely hurt a relationship. I appreciate that you are seeing that and want to do something about it. This is always the first step and a very good sign. The next step is learning to work with your inner emotional landscape, and specifically the anger and jealousy parts of it.
Ultimately, this is all coming up right now for you to heal and become more whole. That is what love does: brings up anything unlike itself for healing.
Working with a really good counselor can help you do this. You are looking for someone who can do more than just talk and listen. You are looking for tools you can use in your own self-healing.
Make no mistake, ultimately you heal yourself. You can do this and you are in a good place to do it.
(1) You are aware of these issues;
(2) You are taking responsibility for them;
(3) You are looking for ways to transform them; and, not least of all
(4) you have an important motivation to do so without further delay: your marriage to a great guy and wanting to make that be as good a relationship as you can possibly make it.
I work with people all the time and know that the inner turmoil you are experiencing can be overcome.
