-- Question for John --
I am female 63 widowed and in love with a 60 yr. divorced male. We have been together for seven months. We have tremendous passion for each other, we have been in a long distance relationship in which he has driven over 6000 miles to be with me. I loved him from the start and though he shows he is devoted to me he says he does not love me, will not marry or live with me.
I have a hard time understanding where he is coming from as far as his feelings for me are concerned. He is a very attractive and dynamic man and if our relationship was all about sex he would have no problems with having all the sex he wanted without driving 6000 miles for it.
He says he cares for me deeply and would lay down his life for me but loves his freedom. I have no doubt he is faithful to me, I trust and respect him and from his past life and careers know him to be honorable. I have really hurt feelings not knowing just what he does feel, why is he spending time with me and so passionate with me if he does not love me.
We have mutual feelings about so many things, I am very sensitive and he is less so. I do not know how to deal with him, I do not want to give me up but I need more from him than he seems to be unable to give. I was married for 32 years to a very loving and tender man, have been widowed for 2 years and asked God to send me someone and he sent me this wonderful brilliant man that keeps me torn up half of the time.
I need help please, help me to understand his feelings, I do not have to be married or live with him but I need to hear love, he does show me he cares in many ways but refuses to open his heart all the way to me. Thank you.
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-- Answer from John --
You are rightfully confused by a lack of congruence between words and actions. The actions seem to say love. But he balks at uttering the “L-word” for reasons he may not be able to disclose or even articulate. The matter in all this that concerns me the most is that at 7 months you are allowing yourself to be torn up by that. This is an inner emotional matter that you have the opportunity to work with inside yourself, heal, and get some freedom. It would be easy for me to tell you to simply let the words go and enjoy the actual experiences of being with him. However I know that you are not emotionally able to do this. So my suggestion is for you to seek out some counseling or guidance which can help you explore and find a path to inner healing and clarity about what actual choice you want to make in this situation — a choice not based on being torn up inside, but a choice made from a position of inner strength, self-nurturing and true knowing.