I feel jealous around his ex

-- Question for John --

My fiancee of two years is the love of my life and after some time I accept he loves me just as much. It took me so long to believe he loved me because of his ex-girlfriend whom he was with for five years. Whenever I was out with him and she was at the same bar, gig, party he would always stare at her or go over to were she was standing even if she was with her new man.

It really did my head in and so I continued to ask him why he was doing it, he said he had no feelings for her and they were ‘just friends’. Now every thing is alright in that department as he has proven to me he loves me now in so many ways and I trust him. The problem is her, she bitches about me and I even got turned down from a job because she works in the same company, but it’s not that, it’s just I am so jealous of her: she’s pretty has nice clothes a good job and she is so confident. I always compare myself to her and try to copy her. I can’t help it, I just want her to be jealous of me for a change. I don’t think I am ugly or a bad person so what is happening to me?? HELP

-- Answer from John --

The issue here is how YOU feel about YOU. That is the entire issue. See it in that light, and you can begin to solve it.

The solution will not be found in your fiancee’s love. Nor will it be found anywhere outside of yourself. It will not be found in looking at what the ex is saying or doing. It is strictly between you and yourself.

The only way I know to change one’s relationship with oneself is to find a mentor or coach or counselor who can guide you to make new connections in your internal landscape — connections where you form stronger bonds of self-love with those parts of yourself that feel insecure.

The mental mechanism of making comparisons between yourself and the ex is a product of your own mental – emotional patterns. These patterns live inside of you, inside of your head. Again, the solution is to change those patterns within yourself, and there is no better way than to find a good mentor to help you.

Your problem is a very common one, and with good guidance, you can change your inner worldview. This, in turn, will make everything work better on the outside.

I always find that once a woman makes that shift inside — where she learns to connect up her love with those parts of her that need it — everything gets better on the outside — relationships, career, everything.

Find a good coach or counselor to work with right away. This will be the quickest way to changing how you feel about yourself.