-- Question for John --
I’m currently seeing MT and VB. MT lives near me, and VB lives 400 miles away. I met VB online last summer, and we chatted. Just before I started dating MT, I had made a comment to VB that if she lived near me that I’d date her. After MT and I had dated for several weeks, VB told me that she wanted to meet me, and if things went well, she’d move here for me. I was in shock.
I met VB and was blown away, she spent a weekend with me and we’re planning to spend a week together in a few months. But recently MT told me she wanted a relationship, and I’m just not as attracted to MT as I am to VB, although realistically VB may never move here. If VB moved here tomorrow, I’d date her exclusively.
Should I take the chance that VB may move here? She wanted to wait until after her degree, which is almost 2 years from now. I’d get to see her maybe once a month or once every other month when she flies or drives out, and I will not move there because of my daughter.
The more I talk to VB on the phone, the more I fall in love with her. I could theoretically have a relationship with MT, but I don’t think it would be as fulfilling as one with VB. Right now I’m not falling in love with MT, my feelings for her are simply friendship with benefits. I’ve told her my doubts about having a relationship with her, and she said she’d work on them.
The funny thing about it is MT and VB were born within 48 hours of each other, are both Aquarians, but were both born late, so technically they are Capricorns, and were born within 50 miles of each other, so the zodiac is the same for both. I don’t normally follow zodiac for advice, but it’s a weird coincidence.
-- Answer from John --
It is a weird coincidence and I don’t have a clue what it tells us. 50 miles makes all the difference?
Hmmmmm… sounds like in your case 400 miles makes all the difference.
There is no answer to a mystery.
What I would recommend is that you follow your heart on this one. My second piece of advice would be to keep your love life simple and clear. Love grows in the soil of clarity, authenticity and honesty. If you were to clearly disclose to MT what you have stated to me, an absolute stranger, this would be an example of you living a life with simplicity and clarity. If, however, you are holding some info back because you are worried about how she might react to it, you are beginning to build up a wall there — perhaps with both of them — and that will ultimately erode the free flow of love you can share with either of them.
Lies — which includes withheld information (the sin of omission) — are like adding bad chemicals to the soil of relationships. Things tend not to grow in such soil. It burdens you with too much complexity. A split heart. A split life. Been there, done that, and it doesn’t work. But you find out….
So my advice would be to make a choice of which one to go with — and go with that choice.
Your mind is telling you a lot of conflictual information and is making a List A vs. List B kind of thing. Your mind is probably not the most reliable source of self-advice on this thing. So as much as possible, let your thoughts on the matter go.
Your fears are also telling you alot of information about possible downsides of taking the bigger risk rather than going with the more certain thing. However, I gotta tell you that your fears are also coming from your mind. So you know my opinion on the reliability of that information.
Fact is, love is risk. It’s really that simple. Even if you were focused on just one relationship, at some point a sense of fear will come up. This is normal, natural, and, unfortunately, most people freeze and fail to move toward the fear. Moving toward the fear is kinda a sign that you are moving toward something that really matters. Perhaps fear is not a bad sign. Maybe it reads: “This way to what truly matters.”
Sure, you can fail, be abandoned, end up in flames and pain. But maybe not. Maybe you end up getting the love you truly want.
It’s your call. Safety (at least you think so) or Fear. Or both… maybe (probably not for long — women have a 6th sense about another woman in your life). I recommend you really listen to your heart’s deepest wishes (isn’t it telling you already?) and take the biggest risk.