-- Question for John --
My friends and I go out to clubs every weekend and it seems like they meet a new girl every time but I never do. I’ve tried going up to girls and starting conversations but it seems like they get bored. I try to ask questions and show similarities but it never works. I know it’s not an attractive thing because they seem interested until we begin talking. What am I doing wrong?
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-- Answer from John --
First off, maybe meeting in clubs is not going to turn out to be your highest calling. There is a rather well-known artificial, superficial, non-authentic quality to the club scene. It’s about how things look. It comes high pressure to perform with the “winning” game-like scripts, postures and poses. It sounds to me like you are somewhat oblivious to the artifice of it all. And guess what, maybe that is a very good statement about who you are!
Perhaps people who pick up new dates in clubs every weekend are not pointing themselves in the direction of having any kind of real intimacy in a relationship. That takes a deeper and more courageous approach, frankly, and most people are scared to death of real intimacy. So they play games instead.
And asking questions and exploring similarities as you are doing sounds more to me like the way to discover a deeper intimate connection. Perhaps that itself violates the basic premise of the club-game, which is to stay on the surface and talk about nothing other than things that give the appearance of something. The boredom you get back in response to your more penetrating inquiry may be telling you that the environment and “rules of the game” in the club scene are really not for you.
Do not make the mistake to think that this must negatively reflect upon you. I sense that your approach to girls is a genuine one, and comes from your heart — not just your groin. In another — perhaps healthier — environment, your approach could initiate something real, instead of the next flash scene with the new girl du jour.
You might seriously question whether the club scene is what you want to adapt yourself to. There are many other environments for meeting people which are far more open to authenticity and real conversation. True, they might not all dress up with the flash and sizzle that is also a part of the club scene artifice. Ultimately, the choice is yours.
And who knows, maybe one of those very girls from the club scene would respond quite differently in another environment. Whenever I’ve really talked to people about their actual experiences with the club scene, I never hear about how fulfilling it is. Quite the contrary. Everyone ultimately complains about the shallowness of it all.