He never spends time with me

-- Question for John --

I’m 18 years old and I’ve been with my fiance for almost 4 years. We both still live with our parents. He spends most of his time with his friends. I have to practically beg him to spend time with me. When he does it’s only once or twice a week, and he never calls. He keeps promising me he’ll spend more time with me and he’ll get better for about a week and then stops again.

He refuses to come over until after my parents have gone to bed because he does not like my mother. He feels she is controlling and manipulative and he doesn’t want to even see her. My family wants me to get rid of him but I feel it’s because they’ve never really liked him. I’m not sure what to do.

-- Answer from John --

I get a slight impression that you may be trying way too hard to get his attention — and that can kinda backfire on you. When one person is at the stage of begging the other person to spend time together, guess what? The other person is far less inclined to do it. It is like they are super secure. The begging person is saying “I need you so bad. I will always be here for you. Begging, in fact.” So why show up now? She will just be there later, anyway. And there’s really not much of a “challenge” here.

Maybe boys like yours respond more to a sense of challenge and uncertainty. If you were not so clearly available and waiting on him all the time, maybe he would start wondering what’s up with you and miss you a bit more — and who knows? Maybe he might start pursuing you.

So my advice would be to try it out. Totally back off. Just force yourself to stop pursuing him altogether. Get together with your own friends. Never call him again.

It’s a big gamble, sure. Maybe he will never call.

But you gotta ask yourself a very basic question here. Do you really want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? I don’t recommend it.

Never waste your time in a relationship where you are doing all the pursuing and the other person is doing all the running. And the only way to tell if you are in that kind of relationship is to stop pursuing. And then wait and see what happens.

No matter what, even if things improve. Let him pursue you or just sign up to be the sad, begging girl forever. I don’t really think you need to play that role. There are plenty of other quality guys out there who could appreciate a relationship. Who wants to beg for crumbs of love anyway?