-- Question for John --
My husband has a problem with porn. At first he would just be on the computer a lot looking at it. Now he has gone overboard. I recently found out that my husband asked a 22 year girl to make a porn movie with him and sell it on the internet. I found out before it happened. I don’t know if this was the first or if there has been more. He says this is the first time.
I made him make a decision: porn or myself. At that time he chose me. He said he would stop watching it. Two weeks have gone by and he told me now that he is going to continue to look at porn and for me not to threaten him with leaving him over it.
It is now Nov. and he still is not working or looking. Money problems now are starting to creep up now. I just don’t make enough on my job to cover our bills. He has pulled $9,000.00 in cash withdrawals off MY credit card. Also has maxed his. $10,000.00. He also received $23,000.00 in his 401K. It is gone to. When I ask where he spent it he tells me bills, however we are behind and I just can’t believe him.
I don’t trust him anymore. This is a all day everyday thing, (Movies). He is a flirt anyway and tells me he loves women. This is my second marriage and I was very much in love him. Now I don’t know any more. He has chosen porn over me. I feel like I have been replaced.
How do I know if he is making these movies or not and selling them. The worst is he is in the movie too. I just want to run and not look back BUT again I loved him so much. I’m so insecure now and don’t really know what to do. Thought he was my soulmate until the end. Now I just don’t know. So sad. Please help
-- Answer from John --
He is not currently acting like a soulmate. Period. You say you “loved” him so much. That was in the past. You gave him an ultimatum and he chose you, then went back to porn.
It is your move. If you do not honor your word, and do not respect yourself, you cannot expect anyone else to respect you either. That is a point well understood by him. The only hope you have to get any kind of different response from him is to move out and move on with your life as if the marriage is over.
There is no guarantee that he will respond, however. You are essentially dealing with someone who is deeply lost in addiction and like all addicts, they tend to ruin their own lives and those of all others who care about them. That means you. He may have chosen porn over you. But now you need to look at what you are choosing — AND WHY YOU ARE CHOOSING IT.
One choice is to face the fear of insecurity, uncertainty and being alone in order to move on with your life — and the other choice is to try to maintain some level of being comfortable in a situation that is extremely painful and is only getting worse, staying there because of feelings you once had for him when he acted very differently combined with your fears of becoming single again.
The first choice is to choose YOU, no matter what the risk and no matter what fears come up. The second choice is to choose BEING A VICTIM and staying in a situation which clearly is not working and shows zero signs of working and instead shows more and more signs that it is only getting worse and worse. So the choice is yours now. Do you choose to honor your fears or yourself?
The choice is yours. I’m interested to know what you will choose. If you get clear, let me know….
Also, if you get clear, you may need to honor yourself by choosing to get some good support in making your move. Line up a good counselor or coach who can support your choice for freedom and happiness, who can assist you to move through the fears and other emotions that hold you back. If he has spent untold amounts of money on whatever, you certainly can afford to spend a tiny fraction of that getting counseling to move forward in your life.
That I would do immediately, no matter which way you are prepared to go right now in the personal choice department.
Best of Luck!
