-- Question for John --
I’m 23 and he is 25, we have been together for 2 years. Recently he has been going into chat rooms on the internet. At first it didn’t bother because I figured that it was harmless. He would sign on and then sign off. Now it I’ve observed that he has been more and more… and that there is one female that he converses with. It has even gone so far as talking on the phone.
I have recently gained access to read 2 of the emails sent and was completely disgusted. He tells he misses her and can’t wait to hear her voice and the day they get to meet. He says that he wants her more and more and sees more to come for the two of them.
Now is more than just innocent fun since there are phone calls, and to make it worse, I believe she lives in the same state. She would be a hour away. That is what has brought this closer to home. I am completely confused as to how to handle this. He does not know I read his mail and would be upset that I did. I would understand more if he was more distant and went back to his old ways and be out at all hours but instead he stays home with me and carries on like normal. I never thought that chatting on the internet could be more and am scared for the day where he comes to say, “Sorry I’ve met someone else…” and is gone with no warning
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-- Answer from John --
I can understand your fear. It is completely justified. The issue is not that you read his email. Sure, let him be angry. That is a violation of his privacy, to be sure. But that is a separate issue and is not the issue that concerns you. Stick with the issue that concerns you. Freely admit that you invaded his privacy and all that. But do not fall for the old side-tracking strategy of making this your fault.
If I were you, I would prefer to have this out in the open now, even if it means pain. Because you cannot stick your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. That definitely is not something I’ve ever found to work. If I were you, I would tell him what you read. Apologize for snooping. But let him know that it was pretty hard to miss. Tell him you would like a couple of moments of complete honesty with him. Invite him to level with you and be real. Tell him it is time for truth telling and time for choice making.
Then, if he admits to all this going on and what he has been saying to her, give him a choice. I would probably want to just get things clear as possible fast as possible. Let him choose what direction he wants to pursue. And if it is with you, then set your demands and terms in no uncertain language. For me, that would be that I was not willing to be in a relationship where either partner was spreading the love vibes around with outsiders. I’m monogamous. That’s my choice and my thing. And I have come to find that’s the only thing that works for me. And I want a partner who is equal to the task. I am certainly not interested in forcing someone who isn’t quite there to arrive at where I am regarding clear monogamy. Because that would be artificial and not real for them. So I am also clearly aware of the type of person I choose to be with. And if I were in your place, those being my standards and choices, I would probably already be making the clear choice right now — even though I snooped to get the information — that it was time for me to find someone who was more tuned to the kind of absolute monogamous relationship I want.
Commitment phobic partners are a great turn-on, no doubt, because you are always chasing after that last bit of certainty. And you never have to slow down and ask yourself if this is a person you are fully committed to in return. Because they make the relationship about chasing them. So, depending on where you truly are in your life, you need to figure out what works for you. This is an important learning opportunity for you, right now. One that will affect the rest of your life and how you conduct your future relationships (even if that happens to be with this guy). Respect yourself and put your own values and needs on a higher priority than any desperation you might have to keep this guy. Put first things first, and act with integrity, even if that risks the relationship. It is the only way you will ever get the love you want and do deserve.
Let me know how it goes…